I’ve debated posting about this as I’m a very private person and I don’t like sharing private things on the internet. I guess this is a rant because I’m angry, but it’s a confession maybe as well.

I’m sick, and no one can tell me what’s wrong with me.

I’m 43 years old and my body is betraying me, at least it feels that way.

They think it’s possibly MS, but they don’t know, all they say is ‘it can’t be ruled out yet’.

Been to medical doctor, he’s baffled, sent me to neurologist and he’s baffled. Neurologist sent me for tests, all kinds of blood work been done but really showed nothing except some vitamin deficiencies which would not cause my problems. Have more tests scheduled, want me to get EEG which I’m going for tomorrow, then he thinks I’ll need a spinal tap. I can’t have an MRI since I have plates and screws holding my skull together so I have to get spinal tap. Not looking forward to that.

I twitch randomly, especially when I’m relaxed. The twitching is really annoying.

My hands shake, my fine motor skills aren’t what they used to be. I have to concentrate hard on what I’m doing to do anything detailed.

Right now it’s hard to type this as my left hand just doesn’t want to work. It’s like I have to force it to type. And they’re both trembling, the left is worse though. I’ve been using a computer since I was like 8 years old and my typing speed is down to about hunt and peck right now and all kinds of mistakes.

My left hand/lower arm is like it’s asleep all the time, pins and needles like feeling. It’s always there, sometimes worse some days, but always there faintly. Sometimes it’s actually numb.

I drop things all the time now with both hands. I haven’t broken any dishes in a while though so I guess that’s a good thing. I have to concentrate on what I’m holding to make sure my hands stay closed on it so I don’t drop it. I still drop things though all the time, thankfully they aren’t breakable things I’m dropping…

Have good days and bad days, sadly the bad days far outnumber the good days.

I love to cook, was a chef, but I’m nervous now about using a knife. Afraid I’m going to twitch at the wrong moment and cut off a finger. That wouldn’t be a good thing I don’t think….

I get horrible headaches a few times per week. No it’s not my eyes, been checked, prescription is fine.

I can’t walk really now. A few years ago it started where my knees would just give out, and it’s progressed to the point now where I literally fall to the floor numerous times per day. I have to walk what I call ‘straight-legged’ where I don’t bend my knees or they just keep going and I fall. Even walking like that isn’t really helping anymore either so I use a cane. I’m afraid it’s going to come to the point where a cane won’t be enough either, at least that’s where it’s progressing.

I’m 43 years old and I need a cane and I don’t like it.

Three doctors have said I can’t work, so I can’t pay my bills. I don’t know what to do. Getting shut off notices now as I can’t pay utility bills. Wife works but her income is not enough and no one can help me.

I have no family I can ask for help, really I have no one. 

I thought about doing one of those go fund me things to try and get some help, but I’m afraid people wouldn’t believe me as there are so many scams out there now. Then again, why would someone just give money to a stranger? Then again there are good people out there I guess, or at least I hope there are, I have to believe that there are still good people out there anyway.

Yeah I applied for disability and was denied. I see these people out there who are clearly not disabled but yet they get it. Me, I have real, actual physical/neurological problems and I’m denied. It’s not fair. I do have an appeal hearing coming up but that still not going to help now, even if I win it could be another year before I even see benefits from them.

I don’t know, but there it is, it’s out there now…