There’s a quote from a movie or tv show, I don’t remember what it is but it’s something along the lines of one person asks what it’s like to die and the other answers that it’s like before you were born… I like that explanation, it’s an answer but it’s not an answer really.

I went to Catholic school and my Italian Grandmother raised me for a lot of my life and she was a devout Catholic. We went to church every week and I went sometimes during the week as well for school as it was a Catholic school. We also had a religion class in school as well, which was as you could guess about religion and Catholicism.

At one point in my life yeah I guess I did believe in God and heaven and all that, but as I got older and saw the real things in life I doubted it more and more and now I don’t know anymore.

Marvel’s Agents of Shield has a part where two of them are dying and they were talking about it and she said she’s not afraid or whatever because when she dies she’ll become part of something else like a star or planet or comet or whatever. She’s a scientist so she’s going with the laws of conservation or matter and energy where neither are created or destroyed only recycled basically.

Physics says this is how it works, so to go to Heaven you would essentially violate the laws of physics as they are known now because you soul or energy would go somewhere else and not be transformed and reused. We are mass and energy basically so the physics says that will be transformed into something else. I understand about the physical part, but I have to wonder where the energy part goes?

I’m 43 and not doing good, no one can tell me what’s wrong with me, they just keep sending me for more testing. Things are getting worse it feels like so I guess that’s why I think about death more often now.

People die, it’s a way of life, it’s a fact of life. Part of me is fine with it and then another part of me doesn’t want to die.

It doesn’t matter about Heaven and all that I think as I don’t think there is one really. I can’t see some supreme being or God up there watching everything and letting the things go on down here as they do. If there is a God he’s supposed to be kind and gentle and all that, he most surely would not want us down here killing each other in his name, that just makes no sense.

The other part is that we have this huge universe and there has to be more life to it than just Earth. If God created us in his image then all the life out there looks like us? I don’t think so, everything can’t be the same, evolution will make things different. In this whole universe we can’t be it.

I think that’s another big reason I don’t want to die, I want to know what else is out there. If I had a bucket list that would be the number one thing on it, not sure how I would ever accomplish it but it would have to be there.

I don’t know, I just think about death more and more lately. Part of me wants to die and part of me doesn’t.

Whatever….