(picture is Pazuzu from Exorcist)

At one point in my life I believed in God and all that, I was raised Italian Catholic, went to Catholic school and went to church every week and sometimes more than that because of school. It was long point in my life really, until my Grandma died when I was about 12 yrs old, so for over a decade I was a good little Catholic but then she was taken from me and lots of other crap happened when she died.

I learned that family sucks, they robbed my Grandmother’s house, they robbed me of my inheritance, but that was a long time ago and I can’t do shit about it now.

I love horror, sci-fi, the supernatural, I love watching movies and TV shows about it but it’s not real, none of it and I wish it was, I really do. I wish there was a god or gods or devils and demons and vampires and all that stuff, I wish there was good and evil, but there’s not, it’s just people that are evil or good, it’s a choice they make and it has nothing to do with gods and demons.

When I was young I thought I saw ghosts, twice that I can recall but I was young and who knows what I saw, most likely the overactive imagination of a child.

One time when I was in my 20’s I did have an episode of sleep paralysis and that scared the crap out of me, it wasn’t supernatural but it sure felt like it, that’s the closest I think I’ve ever been to the supernatural really and there was nothing supernatural about it, just waking up when I wasn’t supposed to basically…

The point of all this is that I wish there was something out there to believe in, something or someone to pray to and ask for help, or to summon and make a deal with to make my life better. If I could I would happily and readily make a deal with the devil or demon or whatever the hell it might be, anything to make my life better, to make people pay for what they’ve done to me and what they’re doing to me.

I wish there were forces I could call upon or summon, I wish things like that were real.

I think that’s one of the things I miss most about my childhood, I had something to believe in, I believed there was good in the world, I believed people go to heaven and are happy forever after they die. None of it’s true, it’s all a lie, God isn’t real, none of it is, but I sure as hell wish it was.

There are good people in the world, I’ve met a very limited few and I’m happy I met them but in my life I’ve learned that most people only care about themselves, most people are just evil really and they will do and say whatever they can to get what they want in life and they don’t care who gets hurt, as long as they get what they want. Most people just lie, cheat, steal, and whatever else they can get away with, it doesn’t matter to them as long as they get what they want.

I wish curses and spells were real, I could use a few right now to make certain people in my life go away and leave me alone.

I wish I had something to believe in, I wish there was something to believe in, but there isn’t, there’s just this sad little pathetic life we live…