Guess the title could also be PTSD Ended My Life and Ruined My Marriage, that would work as well, sure feels that way to me.

Where do I begin?

About 3 weeks ago I learned that my wife was cheating on me and that she has been engaged to another man since August 2024. I really didn’t have any idea, everything seemed fine with her honestly. She said he was just a friend, but I guess looking back something seemed amiss and I just didn’t want to see it. She’s the woman I love and trust after all, we’ve been married for over 22 years and have 3 adult children together and have a life together, we’ve talked about the future many times, but I guess that was just lies. I’m 52 years old, I’ve been with her for almost half of my life at this point, 25 years if my math is correct, so almost half the time I’ve been alive.

So, she cheated because I didn’t give her enough attention basically, not enough intimacy, did everything else I could that a husband should do I think, took care of house, kids etc., but the intimacy became an issue for me as time went on and it became worse for me. Not her fault, it’s all mine of course. A few bad things have happened to me, not going into details, but I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe PTSD according to my Dr actually.

So yes, I have PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I’ve never admitted it publicly like this or talked about it at all really except with my Dr which I no longer see which I’ll get into later. The main reason I don’t talk about it is that I’m embarrassed about it I think, but it’s also because I was afraid of being viewed as weak mainly because I feel weak honestly, I feel helpless at times and scared. So it’s out there for all to see now, I’m just a fucked up individual who lost the love of his life because he couldn’t deal with his issues the way he should have. Yep, sounds about right.

PTSD is interesting for sure, it’s hard to deal with, it’s hard to keep in check, it’s hard to focus on life when you have it, it’s hard to focus on what’s important as I’ve learned. I’ve done a lot of things to help make me feel safe and secure but I still don’t honestly, I’m still hypervigilant all the time, always listening, always watching, always waiting for something to happen.

Years ago, I stopped sleeping with my wife, sleeping in our bed in our bedroom with her, I starting sleeping downstairs on the couch. Why you ask? To be closer to the door, to be on the ground floor in case something happened, hypervigilance or maybe paranoia would be the word for it. I would lie upstairs in bed with her and not sleep, just listening to every sound and noise and just ready to jump up at moment’s notice if something happened. I couldn’t get comfortable, it was like a panic or anxiety attack all the time, the only way to describe it I think. I liked sleeping with her, I’ve always liked sleeping with her, but I couldn’t, my head wouldn’t let me do it. Eventually I could fall asleep, after 2,3 or 4 hours or laying there. I liked the intimacy of course; I do have 3 kids. For a while I was trying to sleep upstairs on the weekends so I could be close to her and be with her, but that stopped eventually as well too. I just couldn’t do it; I would lie there and just listen and start to panic seriously it was like scary really. It would be like I was almost shaking, or vibrating, kind of almost an adrenaline rush of sorts maybe is a way to describe it. I don’t know, but I just couldn’t stay upstairs, I was panicked and scared and just had to be downstairs just in case something might happen. FUCK! Even just typing this and thinking about it has me slightly shaking and worked up and I can feel my blood pressure up, palms and back getting sweaty.  It’s just so fucked up. I’m just so fucked up. I look back and nothing has really happened bad to our home, no break-ins etc. so I was worried for nothing then. The problem is that no matter how many times I tell myself that, there’s another part of me saying yes, but IT CAN STILL HAPPEN!! And yes, it’s like part of me is yelling at myself.  You can’t understand what it’s like unless you’ve gone through it or are going through it, it can be a living hell really. Almost like feeling trapped all the time, trapped in your fear I guess, in your anxiety maybe. I hate being like this, and now I hate it even more.

I just didn’t realize how much I was hurting her, and really hurting myself too as I was alone just as much as she was.

I don’t think she even knows the reason I stopped sleeping in bed with her.

I know she doesn’t know how I feel and what I feel or felt and all that because I don’t talk about it. Yes, she knows I was diagnosed with PTSD but I don’t talk about it, again, embarrassed and feel weak and really don’t want to feel weak in front of my wife, the person I’m supposed to be protecting and strong for, the supposed man of the house as it were. I’m not great at communication as you probably guessed.

Looking back an easy fix would have been for her to sleep with me downstairs. Not sure why neither of us thought of that, but we didn’t. Sure, might have been weird, but could have made it work somehow, I’m sure if we really wanted to. We figured everything else out for the last 20+ years, I’m sure we could have figured that out right?! I mean didn’t have to have whole bedroom down here, just slept down here, then back to the room in morning, easy right? We could have got like a nice pull-out bed couch thing, that would have worked! I could have also gone back to therapy and talked to her more and things could have gotten better. Too late now though. Hindsight is 20/20 they say right?

Just sitting here thinking about it, I’m just amazed I never thought to invite her to sleep with me. Guess I thought she would prefer the bed as opposed to a futon; I don’t know…oh well

I did try to explain things to her sort of anyway. Like in cards for holidays and such I would write notes about how I love her and I’m sorry that I don’t show her as much as I should and things like that. I mean I tried, but just not good enough I guess, or at least I thought I was trying, that’s what it was supposed to be.

So yeah, my wife cheated on me and got engaged to another man because I didn’t give her enough attention, not enough cuddles as she says. The whole time she was acting as though nothing was wrong, as though we were fine, this was even after she was engaged, so when was she going to tell me it was over? I found out actually by her Facebook status, I just happened to be looking one day about 3 weeks ago and there it was, engaged since August. I was like ‘WHAT?!’ I went and checked my Facebook status and it said I was still married but just not to her anymore, just married. You would think that Facebook might notify me that I wasn’t married anymore to her, but it didn’t. I also found out she was cheating on me before that as well, a long time before that, at least over a year ago, but yet everything seemed fine, told me she loved me, together forever, true love always and all that bullshit, just a bunch of lies, I guess.

I never mistreated her, never hit her, never cheated on her, I always tried to take care of her and the kids and did everything I could to take care of everyone and the house. I cooked, I cleaned, did laundry. Sure, I wasn’t perfect, nobody is perfect, we argued, but rarely actually She asked me to do things I did them, sometimes I didn’t do them immediately, but what husband does, and I don’t think that’s a reason to cheat, and I don’t think that’s like being bad or mean to your wife. I can’t think of anything that I could have possibly done that would deserve to be treated like this, to be cheated on and lied to the way she has done to me. I honestly don’t think I’m a bad person, I try not to be, I try to be a good person, I tried to be good to her, I tried to take care of her the best I could, I tried to love her the best I could. Just not good enough it seems.

I don’t think I deserved this honestly, it’s like she ripped my heart out, it hurts really. I hope she’s happy, I hope she got what she wants.

I even had chances to cheat on her but didn’t do it because I loved her, and because I was married. I remember when I was delivering pizza many years ago, I had several invitations to come in and share pizza. I’ve had ex-girlfriends contact me but I told them to stop, go away and blocked them. I’ve had new girls hit on me but I didn’t let it go anywhere. Guess I was stupid huh?! It turns out my wife was getting laid more than I was while we were married.

I know she knew this guy when she was younger years ago, but I don’t understand how she went from like just talking again a couple months to engaged to leaving me?! She doesn’t even know this guy really, she knew him years ago, but not now, not really. I did some research into the guy because I wanted to see who was going to be around my kids and I was a bit shocked at what I found. Not going to get into details here, but I hope she knows what she’s getting into and if she doesn’t, I feel bad for her, I feel sorry for her really. Whatever, not my problem, I guess. Fuck it, why am I even worried about it, it’s just making me sad and pissing me off.

I was seeing a psychologist for a few years but stopped because I didn’t have a choice. Ran into some problems with the insurance, imagine that, but also because he closed his office that was located here close to me and only worked out of his office that is a good hour drive away from me. I liked him, almost thought of him as a friend, I’m not sure if it helped, I like to think it did, it was nice to talk to someone as now I have no one to talk to at all. He did suggest getting a new Dr but I really didn’t want to start over again with a stranger, it’s very personal the things we talked about and he knew me really, I would have to do all that all over again and learn to trust this new Dr. Didn’t want to, guess I should have at least tried though.

I have two security camera setups with a dozen cameras indoor and outdoor and several single cameras as well. I can see the cameras all the time right now at my desk and access them from my phone when I happen to leave my house rarely.  I even have multiple cameras in my car too, might be overkill but it sort of makes me feel better.  I look at my cameras and don’t understand how people live without them, how I ever lived without being able to see what’s going on outside at all times. I have another 16-camera system that I want to install, all the parts are here, I just have to get it done. Yeah, I have a problem.

I find myself all the time just staring at the cameras to see what’s going on, every noise I have to see what’s going on. I try and watch a tv show or movie and I’m always glancing over at the cameras

I have more than the normal number of locks on my doors and even bars on the windows and sound proofing foam too on one side. A bit much maybe.

Part of the PTSD is that I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia, yeah, I wasn’t always like this, I used to like going out all the time, now I HATE leaving the house. I could be happy if I never have to leave the house honestly, I hate leaving, I’m afraid something will happen. I do have some evidence to back that up, things have happened to me, but not often, or not as often as you think by my reaction, I guess.  I don’t even like going on my porch or in my backyard but part of that has to do with my neighbor as well, but that’s another story.

Having PTSD is not fun, it affects everything in your life really, it makes things so much harder including relationships obviously.  I just didn’t realize how much damage I was doing to my own relationship; I honestly couldn’t see it even though I was living with it every day. I guess it didn’t help that everything seemed fine for the most part, sure she said things, but overall things seemed fine and normal really, at least not this bad, bad enough to end a marriage bad without even really talking or like trying maybe therapy or something. Maybe she just really didn’t want this anymore, maybe she just doesn’t love me anymore.

PTSD makes doing everyday things harder, at least for me, I’m constantly stopping and looking at the cameras to see what’s going to. I don’t know how many times I’ve stopped typing this to look at the cameras and sometimes I just stop and stare for minutes at a time. I just have to know what’s going on, there’s just something wrong with my brain, I guess.

I regret a lot when my kids were growing up though, there’s a lot I didn’t do, at least I think I could have done more with them. I didn’t want to leave the house, didn’t want to be around people so I missed things they did, mom took them to do things like parks and such. I don’t think I was a bad parent, at least I hope not, I don’t drink or anything and I was always here for them and helped them when I could and bought them stuff etc but there’s stuff I missed because of the PTSD for sure. I’m not sure what they thought of why dad didn’t go places with them, but mom did so that’s good.

In all I guess it’s just all my fault she left me, I’m fucked up in the head, I know I should have done something about it but I’m embarrassed and I don’t like asking for help, what guy does really right?

I still love her, but I think I also hate her for doing things the way she is doing them and did them. She really hurt me and is still really hurting me. We’re still living in the same house, just not speaking, but she brings him over and it hurts so bad to see him here with her. I’m stuck, I can’t leave, I have no money, I have no family left to turn to for help or to go to get away. There is one way out for me though…

 

Guess it’s all a bit late now for all of this but I needed to say it, I needed to get it off my chest. Did it help me? I don’t think so, now I just feel like sitting in the corner and crying honestly.

Maybe someone will read this and learn something and it will help them in the future.

Don’t be afraid to communicate, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Don’t take things for granted.

It’s too late for me, but might not be for you!