I Miss My Wife and My Life

It’s only been not quite a month since I found out my wife was cheating on me and that she was engaged to another man but I miss her and I miss my life with her. I think maybe it’s I miss the future; I’m thinking about what would or could have been as I never thought of this ever happening. This totally blindsided me honestly, I did not expect this at all, I think I might still be in shock.

Shit just keeps running though my head trying to figure out what and where I missed things but things mostly seemed normal really. I mean we were talking about the future not long ago but yet she was supposedly engaged to this guy back in August so why was she talking about the future with me?! Another small recent example would be like she picked up the blanket and covered me after I had kicked it off while I was sleeping, why do that?! It just makes no sense to me, why was she being nice to me? Why was she playing with me? Was it intentional just to hurt me? I don’t think I did anything to deserve it that’s for sure.

I keep playing in my head getting back together, I guess that’s just normal, and I also just can’t see a future without her in it, I never thought of one. I can’t see anything ahead anymore, I had plans but now it’s like they’re all gone up in smoke. I’m just so lost now, no direction, no future that I can see.

Last year she had a stroke and almost died (they actually had to LifeFlight her) and I should have been more thankful that she didn’t but it was very hard for me as she was cheating on me then it turns out. I was here with her at home when she had the stroke. I was there by her bedside in the hospital and all she could do is yell this other guy’s name and keep asking for him while I’m standing there with her. That hurt so bad, I was the one with her through it all, holding her hand and yet she’s asking for this other guy. That about crushed me, but I like couldn’t get mad at her as they weren’t even sure if she was going to survive!!! How the hell do you handle a situation like that really? I just tried to ignore it as best as I could and not show any emotion for the sake of my children who were also there and of course really upset. The woman I love is lying there possibly dying and she’s calling another man’s name?! It’s an impossible situation that I never thought I would be in. We never talked about it, and I know she stopped seeing him and I forgave her because I was happy, she was alive, happy to have her still and that she was ok. Yes, part of me was still a bit angry at her, of course I was, who wouldn’t be?

I guess I’m just fucking stupid for trusting her and for thinking she wouldn’t cheat on me again. I thought maybe she noticed who was there when she was dying and who wasn’t but I guess not. I was there with her through all of it, thankfully it turned out it wasn’t that bad, it was just where it was in her brain where the issue was. Anyway, I was there for her through the recovery and rehab and stuff like that, but whatever, guess that doesn’t matter.

I haven’t spoken to her since I found out, I want to, but I can’t. I’m afraid she’ll like reject me and laugh in my face and tell me to fuck off and tell me how much better this new guy is than I am. I’m also afraid I’ll break down crying in front of her and pretty much the same thing would happen, she’ll laugh. I’m afraid it’s truly over, which honestly, I know it is, it’s done, she wants him, not me, she’s made that perfectly clear to everyone. This is just my delusions talking, or my wishful thinking that everyone does after a break up and you can’t accept it, so yeah, it’s over. I wonder how long it will take before I truly realize that though. It’s like 25 years together so how does that just go away instantly, how do I make all those memories go away? I’m just supposed to wake up and poof all my feelings are gone, I guess she can do that, I guess she never really loved me if she can do that. I don’t see how you can just turn love on and off, especially 25 years’ worth of it, unless it was never really there to begin with.

I want to know how long it takes to stop hurting, because I’m just in so much emotional pain, my heart sometimes physically hurts actually.

I want to know when I’m going to stop sitting in a dark corner of my basement crying everyday hiding away so no one finds me or hears me doing it.

As I’m writing this on Friday, she’s in a motel room getting fucked and been there for the last like 10 hours. She left at like 9:15am and it’s 7pm now and she hasn’t moved so I can only guess what they’re doing. Sadly, we still have that family location sharing on and I can see where she goes with him, I don’t want to, but I can’t stop myself from looking sometimes. I can’t turn her location sharing off from my side.

I want to tell her that I miss her. I love her. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t do this to me. We can work things out. (I don’t think she even remembers I have this website so she’ll never even see this most likely)

Problem is this guy she’s been with and to get back together with her would require a bit of work on her part I think and I don’t think she’d want to do that. I think she’d want to take the easy way out and just stick with this guy because she thinks he’s perfect for whatever fucking reason, but from what I know he’s not. She fucked up bad, she hurt me bad, she’s going to have to work to get me back, that’s if she would want me back, right? I don’t think she does though, I don’t think she gives a fuck about me anymore, she got what she wants. After what she did to me, why would I want her back right? Why should I take her back? Because I still love her sadly, guess I have to figure out how to stop loving her.

Who am I kidding, she thinks this guy is the best thing since sliced bread. Why I don’t know.

22+ years of marriage just gone in an instant, not even a chance for me to fight for it. It’s not fair. Yeah, not even a chance I lost that fight before it began for me because she was engaged months before I found out. It was already over before it began, I was already gone and just didn’t know it.

This guy must be really special, guess I just can’t compete, so why try I guess…

You know what, fuck it all, just fuck it…

 

 

No more depressing posts about this shit, I’m done, it doesn’t matter, no one cares anyway, so I’ll keep it all to myself from now on… fuck it, fuck it all, fuck all of you