It’s only been not quite a month since I found out my wife was cheating on me and that she was engaged to another man but I miss her and I miss my life with her. I think maybe it’s I miss the future; I’m thinking about what would or could have been as I never thought of this ever happening. This totally blindsided me honestly, I did not expect this at all, I think I might still be in shock.
Fuck Christmas this year!
I’m not doing Christmas this year, I sure as hell don’t feel like it, no joy in my holidays just depression.
Nothing to celebrate. Kids are grown up, don’t they care either, I’m sure they get it. Makes things easier I think, no mess, fuss, none of that crap. Christmas isn’t the same anymore anyway, it’s now all about spending money, it’s not about Jesus and Religion anymore and actually giving, it’s all about getting.
Fuck it. Merry Christmas!
Bah Humbug!
So today is Thanksgiving and I’ve not got a fucking thing to be thankful for.
Honestly I’m kinda pissed that I even woke up today, but I’m here, so I have to do this.
When your wife cheats on you and gets engaged to another man it kind of takes the joy out of things and doesn’t leave much to be thankful for!?
Yeah making food, but nothing I want. Wife and kids (well they’re adults now, but I still call them kids) live in the house and were supposed to put stuff on grocery list for Thanksgiving dinner and me being the chef am going to make it of course. I went shopping, got the stuff, I didn’t put anything on the list at all, I don’t want anything, I don’t have much of an appetite really, haven’t been eating much.
Anyway yeah making Thanksgiving dinner, fun-fun but nothing to be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Guess the title could also be PTSD Ended My Life and Ruined My Marriage, that would work as well, sure feels that way to me.
Where do I begin?
It’s been a really long time since I’ve wrote anything here, wow… I haven’t been doing much, sleeping, or actually trying to sleep because I really don’t sleep anymore. A couple or maybe a few hours each night, usually 2-3 hours if that, but it’s broken sleep and no straight through.
I haven’t been writing much here or anywhere really for a long time as I’m dealing with a lot of bad shit in my life and battling depression I guess you could say, not that anyone really gives a shit really about what I have to say so it probably doesn’t really matter if I write or not, no one would miss me I’m sure…
I meant to post about this a couple days ago but just basically didn’t want to a the time…
July 5th was the 2nd anniversary of my cousins suicide and to this day, and probably never will I be able to figure out why he did it…
not only did he leave behind questions unanswered but he left guilt as well with most of his family and friends, I personally have to ask is there something I could have done? is there something I missed?
We were cousins but we were friends as well, the closest thing to a best friend I’ve ever had really…
I look back and well I wasn’t always there, I mean I think I should have been there, but as we got older our interests differed and we grew apart, we went our separate ways with our familes and friends, and things we liked to do, I guess I can’t blame myself or feel guilty about it but I can’t help it really… I just think back and have to wonder what more could I have done?
The last communication I had with him was an argument, and well there’s guilt there as well, but we’ve fought many times before and always ‘made up’, time went by and things cooled off and things were back to normal, but not this time…
He ended it with a bullet to his head, he left behind three small children and a wife, well the wife really wasn’t a wife at that point, she was cheating on him at the time, and I’m sure that was a big part of why he did it, but it’s not worth taking your life over something like that, so obviously there had to be more to it that that, then again we all handle things differently and that could have been his reason, but I find it hard to believe as I know he loved his children and would do anything for them that he could…
I don’t know, and I guess I never will…