It’s been a really long time since I’ve wrote anything here, wow… I haven’t been doing much, sleeping, or actually trying to sleep because I really don’t sleep anymore. A couple or maybe a few hours each night, usually 2-3 hours if that, but it’s broken sleep and no straight through.
I haven’t been writing much here or anywhere really for a long time as I’m dealing with a lot of bad shit in my life and battling depression I guess you could say, not that anyone really gives a shit really about what I have to say so it probably doesn’t really matter if I write or not, no one would miss me I’m sure…
I meant to post about this a couple days ago but just basically didn’t want to a the time…
July 5th was the 2nd anniversary of my cousins suicide and to this day, and probably never will I be able to figure out why he did it…
not only did he leave behind questions unanswered but he left guilt as well with most of his family and friends, I personally have to ask is there something I could have done? is there something I missed?
We were cousins but we were friends as well, the closest thing to a best friend I’ve ever had really…
I look back and well I wasn’t always there, I mean I think I should have been there, but as we got older our interests differed and we grew apart, we went our separate ways with our familes and friends, and things we liked to do, I guess I can’t blame myself or feel guilty about it but I can’t help it really… I just think back and have to wonder what more could I have done?
The last communication I had with him was an argument, and well there’s guilt there as well, but we’ve fought many times before and always ‘made up’, time went by and things cooled off and things were back to normal, but not this time…
He ended it with a bullet to his head, he left behind three small children and a wife, well the wife really wasn’t a wife at that point, she was cheating on him at the time, and I’m sure that was a big part of why he did it, but it’s not worth taking your life over something like that, so obviously there had to be more to it that that, then again we all handle things differently and that could have been his reason, but I find it hard to believe as I know he loved his children and would do anything for them that he could…
I don’t know, and I guess I never will…